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At the last two sporting events I attended I had interesting experiences in the restrooms. Why do we not have a set list of rules for sporting events and the restroom? Many of you will disagree with my ideas, I’m sure, but here are my proposed bathroom rules for sporting events. I have split them into two categories: Urinals and stalls. As a side note, everyone should always wash their hands. And no, rinsing them without using soap does not count.
Rules for Urinals:
- Some people say that there should never be any talking at the urinal, but I disagree. I have spent many a time relieving myself and having wonderful sports conversation with a comrade. I understand this rule is not for everybody, so it is important to make sure that the person you intend to converse with is on board.
- No talking at the urinals unless you know the guy. This one is true under any circumstances. I had an annoying experience while in the restroom at halftime of a football game earlier this year. I was cheering for the visiting team and was wearing my team shirt proudly, as they were up 24-0. The guy who was in line next to me was also cheering for the same team. I got in line and nodded at him. He nodded back. We waited in line for at least five minutes. When I finally got the blessed call-up to a vacated urinal, it just so happened that I ended up next to the guy. For some reason, this guy took that as an invitation to strike up a conversation. He looks over at me and says, “we’re really giving it to them out there, aren’t we.” I was sitting there with my instrument in my hand, uncomfortable because I didn’t know the guy at all. When at the urinal, speaking to someone you don’t know is always prohibited, no matter what you think you have in common.
- When you and a buddy are in the bathroom and standing at urinals with a guy in between you, it’s always hilarious to carry 
on a conversation as if the middle man isn’t even there. This is awesome for a few reasons, not the least of which is the fact that the guy between you likely believes there should be no talking in the bathroom under any circumstances. It becomes even funnier when you start reminiscing and laughing about something ridiculous. This will likely lead to the guy in between giving you the stare, or he will start to fidget around as if he is afraid that you’re trying to get a glimpse of his package.
- No audible flatulence during urination. Flatulence is to be expected when sitting, but not while standing. Please refrain.
- If your hair can be braided, use a stall. Long hair is confusing to some. This rule is the result of personal experience. When my daughter was being potty trained, I took her into a public restroom (not at a sporting event). We were walking to a stall when she noticed a guy with long hair standing at the urinal. She pointed at him and loudly asked, “Daddy, why is a girl using the boy potty?” Well, the bathroom had quite the echo, and the guy at the urinal was not impressed. Let us all avoid confusion and embarrassing situations – if you have long hair, take a seat.
- This one is not as applicable at sporting events, but it applies nonetheless. No pulling your pants down around your ankles while standing at a urinal. I must admit, I find this hilarious in certain situations, but not at sporting events. Well, the more that I think about it, this is always funny. If you are under 30 and feel the need to pull your pants down, do so, even at the game. I don’t want to see it, but I’ll definitely laugh.
- Aim. Fluids belong in the toilet. A good rule of thumb is that those with smaller bats should stand closer to the plate. Thank you.
- Remains. Please be conscious that others will be using the urinal when you are done. Take care to not leave any pee or pubic hairs on the rim of the urinal. This is offensive to everyone.
- Take cover when you shake it off. When vigorously shaken, the penis can expel urine a great distance. Please be conscious of those standing next to you and guard against projecting your body fluids in someone else’s direction. It is also rude to back away from the urinal and shake; no one wants a puddle of urine under their feet, but that’s what you always get at the game.
- When approaching the urinals, a general rule of thumb is to take a wide stance at one of the end urinals, so that others can choose from the open ones and be as far away from you as possible. However, when you approach a set of urinals and find that one person has followed this rule and set up at, let’s say, the left urinal, it is always funny to select the urinal closest to them, even when there are several other options that would provide maximum distance between urinators. That said, choose wisely, for this situation may lead to fisticuffs.
Rules for Stalls:
- No talking while in the stalls – ever. Even if you know the person next to you, this is unacceptable behavior. If you don’t know the guy, it is completely prohibited and should get you arrested. The temptation to start up a conversation while dropping a loaf can be diminished by the next rule.
- It is always acceptable to bring reading material. It doesn’t matter who or where you are, reading on the pot is one of the more enjoyable experiences of life. Make plans to bring a program or a newspaper; a magazine is typically the best option, so plan ahead.
- While I do not personally do this, I found it humorous when I encountered someone who did: singing while you’re laying down a deuce. I have never done this, nor do I plan to, but I went to a basketball game last year and a guy was on the pot singing the school fight song. It was tremendous, and I obviously still remember it to this day. Kudos, my friend. Well done.
- Time. I can’t stand the guy who waits in line to get a stall at the game and then spends about 15 minutes in there. Be efficient! If it takes you 15 minutes to get the job done, wait another twenty minutes to reduce procedural time. When at a sporting event, you should take no more than 7 minutes. If there are less than three stalls in the bathroom, the acceptable time is further reduced.
- Noise level. It’s bad enough to hear a guy in the stall firing off machine gun rips or the watermelon drop, but please, no grunting. Grunting is completely inappropriate when not in the comfort of your own home. Again—wait until you know you are ready to go before you approach the porcelain throne.
- No sex in bathroom stalls. This applies to all sporting events, especially to Buffalo Bills fans. No sex in the stalls! How gross is that? To be so frisky that you couldn’t help but go into a bathroom stall at a sporting event? That is absolutely horrific. I can’t believe this one needs to be stated, but apparently it does.
Well, there’s my list. Many of these ideas will apply to other bathroom situations, so I stated them here. I’m sure I forgot some, so please add on to–or argue with–any of my ideas.
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