With Kobe and LeBron dominating the headlines due to their recent scoring outbursts at MSG my senses have been lambasted with chest pounding, aggressive stare downs, and cocksure swaggering to the point of overkill.  Okay, we get it already, Kobe can score whenever he wants and LBJ is basically unstoppable.  Point made.  I've actually had to start watching the regular News to get away from SportsCenter's 24/7 Kobe and LeBron lovefest.  I'll admit that these guys are the greatest.  They're the best.  But here comes my take on it:  They are the greatest and the best at basketball.  They like to strut around all full of machismo and aggression, but truth be told, if you lay even one flagrant two foul on one of these guys they'll stay down on the floor with their arms over their eyes, begging for the head trainer to come put some ice on it, until it's time to shoot their free throws so they can stay in the game.

The NBA used to be full of man's men.  Players pushed and pulled and held and elbowed.  When Kevin McHale clotheslined Kurt Rambis in the NBA Finals I don't even think the foul was called intentional.  It was just a hard foul and something to be expected in the playoffs.  But not today.  They players like to act like they're tough, but you can't even hand check a guy without drawing a whistle.  Don't get me wrong, I love basketball and I love the NBA, but it's gotten a little bit sissy is all I'm saying.

So I started thinking about match-ups, and toughness, and who it was that was really HARD in the NBA.  Names like Ron Artest, and Reggie Evans came to mind, but I wanted to write about something a little more interesting.  So I asked myself how tough these chest pounders would be, if they were faced with something a little more difficult than a controlled, heavily monitored, refereed basketball game.

Match-Up #1 LeBron James vs. A Mother Badger with Cubs

Could you even imagine this match-up?  It would be incredible beyond belief.  I mean some people describe a tenacious defender like Bruce Bowen as playing D like a badger, but what about LeBron going up against an actual badger?  Why a badger?  Badgers are fierce animals and will protect themselves and their young at all costs. Badgers are capable of fighting off much larger animals such as wolves, coyotes, and bears just think of what that thing might do to a Cavalier.  LeBron can't even just run away because badgers can run or gallop at up to 25-30 km per hour for short periods of time.  Look at the pictures for hell's sake.  LBJ is trying to look tough but that badger ate tough for dinner, shit tough out, and then ate that shitty toughness again.  Good luck LeBron.

Match-Up #2 Kobe Bryant vs. An Angry Coloradan Wolf

It should be obvious by now why the wolf is from Colorado.  Denver is probably the scariest city in the NBA for Kobe and it has nothing to do with the Nuggets.  Look at Kobe acting hard after a made basket and the foul and then look at the wolf being hard after downing a 1000 pound bull elk and then defending it from a hungry mountain lion.  When put into proper perspective Kobe's feats on the basketball court don't seem all that impressive now do they?  Bryant would hug his knees and cry like a baby if he had this actually wolf D-ing him up on his trip to Minnesota.

Match-Up #3 Chris "Birdman" Andersen vs. A Bald Eagle

Just look at the Birdman trying to look all cool with his hair all crazy then look at that bald eagle and tell me the Birdman has half the intensity behind his eyes.  No way.  That bird would wipe that punk-ass look off of Andersen's face with its razor sharp talons and then it would use its beak to disembowel him, gorge on his large intestines, and then regurgitate everything Andersen had for breakfast to feed its nest full of hungry symbols of American freedom.  My dad tried to catch a woodpecker, that had gotten into our house, with a pillowcase when I was a kid.  It was hilarious to watch, but I don't think this eagle has much of a sense of humor.

Match-Up #4 Rasheed Wallace vs. A Grizzly Bear

This one might be close because Rasheed is one angry piece of crap, but I still think I would give the edge to the Grizzly.  I think if you put the bear in a Piston's uniform and let him play for 82 games he would probably get fewer technical fouls than Sheed, though Wallace probably has more range.

Match-Up #6 Shaq "Diesel" O'Neal vs. A Real Diesel

Okay, so a semi diesel is not an animal, but there is no question that a real diesel would kick Shaq's ass.  Sure he can post up anybody, nobody can keep him off the low block, and he is very agile for his size, but if you put a real diesel in the paint behind Shaq he would no longer have the advantages he has enjoyed over his illustrious career.  He can come through with the high elbows all he wants, but there's no way in hell the real diesel is going down in a heap like Vlade Divac.  Shaq has never been one for taking a charge, but you can be sure the real diesel would make him think twice about getting his feet outside of the restricted area and taking one in the chest.

So let's just remember that basketball is just basketball and Kobe and LeBron are still only human, and if given the choice between the Birdman and a real bird I think it would be a wash because the Birdman while a good defender just doesn't have the scoring power that the bald eagle would have in the post.

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