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We've all had those sleepless nights when you toss and turn and finally give up and say "screw it, I'm just going to watch TV." Then you get out of bed and turn on the tube and what do you see? Some greasy weasel who almost convinces you that you too can make a fortune placing tiny classified ads in your local newspaper. Most people never fall for these gadgets, promises of instant wealth, or miracle cures "they" don't want you to know about (whoever "they" are), but for a select few, the temptations of owning a knife that is able to cut through a tomato with ease just seconds after cutting through a hammer are too strong to pass up.
I wonder if NBA players ever stay up at night watching these infomercials. I doubt it. After all, they are rich and most of them, like Wilt Chamberlain of old, probably have really good reasons not to sleep at night. I got to thinking that as they probably don't watch these ads, they might be missing out on some products that could really help them out. Therefore, I've come up with a list of my favorite late-night infomercial products, and the NBA players I would recommend them to.
Glen "Big Baby" Davis: Tony Little's Gazelle
Tony Little is freaking insane, and I love him deeply for it. This guy uses scare tactics, intensity, shame and guilt to try and get people to buy his Little Gazelle. Now, if you know Glen Davis, you know that he is vertically challenged, but horizontally very gifted. The Gazelle would help him max out his vertical leap(It even works on the Calves!), all while helping him drop a few unwanted LBS. You're welcome Baby.
Greg Oden: Jack LaLanne's Power Juicer
One of the great promises of the power juicer is that you can look and feel young again. Who needs that more than Greg Oden? Sure, he may only be 21, but he looks like Robert Parish's older brother, and runs around like it, too. If you don't do it for yourself Greg, who will? (One of my favorite details is that Jack's and co-inventor of the power juicer is named Elaine. Elaine LaLanne. That's great.)
Manu Ginobili: Ron Popeil's GLH-9
This video is a little long, but really quite priceless. You get to see the product in full action at about 2:50:
Good Looking Hair Formula 9, meet Manu Ginobili. Manu may be the picture of Argentine masculinity, and is an excellent ball player, but when you make 10 million dollars a year, shouldn't you be able to cover up a little bald spot? Ron Popeil thinks so, and he has a solution for you Manu. Just spray paint it. Just spray paint the hell out of it. Ron Popeil is truly the greatest American Inventor of the past 50 years. I mean, the Veg-O-Matic, the food dehydrator, and the constant usage of the term "But wait, there's more!" I love you Ron, you're a late night friend of mine.
The Whole NBA, Also Everybody on Planet Earth: Shamwow
Listen to and obey the words of Vince:
Come on, you're going to spend $20 every month on paper towels as it is. The best part of the video, by far, is at 1:24 when he covers his mouth with the Shamwow, and they overdub his voice to say "10 years." Let's be honest people, this is insane. If you spend $20 a month on paper towels, you need therapy for your OCD. Also, I could never write anything as entertaining as that video. Thanks, Vince.
Kevin McHale and Al Jefferson: Snuggie
Do you know how cold it gets in Minnesota? Kevin and Al need bonding time, as McHale's coaching career basically hinges on how good Al can become, and Al could always use some help with his post moves from McHale. In fact, they could work on their post moves together in warmth and comfort. Worried it won't fit these two giants? The snuggie has oversized sleeves. Got it? Now, watch the video and every time you see two people on the couch, or roasting marshmallows, picture Big Al and McHale. Priceless.
All NBA Cheerleaders and Dancers: Thighmaster
I'm not saying that NBA Cheerbabes need a thigh work, just that I would enjoy a halftime act of watching them work out with Thighmaster much more than most of their dance routines. Just get them in skimpy workout clothes, give them all Thighmasters, and have them lie down at center court and do a 20 minute workout. I would then have a reason to buy court side seats that I have never had in the past.
I think that is enough. Please, comment on any other additions you have to this list.
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Billy Mays will intensely sell the shit out of any product he is asked to pitch. I would suggest some Oxy-Clean for Ben Wallace because he looks stinky and his clothes probably need a good washing and I suggest the Hercules Hooks for Shaq because his clothes are so big they probably weigh a ton and he must have problems with the bar in his closet getting ripped out of the wall from the sheer weight of his wardrobe. The Hercules Hooks would solve this problem as they can handle 150 pounds with ease.
Yes, I have a sleeping problem and yes all of the people in the afore mentioned article have hoodwinked me at least once in the past. Damn you insomnia. Damn you!