Every time I turn on the TV it seems that there is something being said about steroids.  It is the dead horse that the media has chosen to beat, uncaringly and unrelentingly.  The media has pursued the topic to every conceivable end.  Questions have been hashed and rehashed.  Who injected what?  When did they inject it and where did they get the stuff from anyway?  What evidence is or is not admissible in court?  Why does A-rod keep saying he was young and stupid, when he was like 25 and a seven-year vet when he started using?   Why is Barry Bonds such an A-hole?

So I figured if the horse is already dead and beaten, why not give it a few more kicks.  Thus, I have composed my list of steroid smackdowns, pitting known steroid users against one another in a performance-enhanced battle royal.  Let’s get ready to RUMMMMMBLE!!

A-Rod vs. Barry Bonds

If you look at A-Rod from the time he was a rookie until now I really don’t see much changing in terms of weight/body composition.  When Rodriguez broke into the big leagues at the tender age of 18 he was already a big guy (6’3” 190 lbs) and that remains true to this day.  So the roids didn’t do much for his body, but he did have some of his most successful years while injecting his magic Dominican cocktail.  Bonds however, underwent an incredible transformation after he started juicing.  When he was in Pittsburgh he weighed like 170 pounds soaking wet and could be seen running down fly balls in the outfield and scorching up the base paths (52 stolen bases in 1990).  After he went to San Francisco Bonds ultimately ballooned to something like 235 pound with 3% body fat.  Consequently his base stealing dropped off the face of the earth, but his homerun power became legendary (he hit 73 HR in 2001 at the age of 36).  In this smackdown the numbers speak for themselves as both players are gifted athletes on or off the sweet stuff, but I have to give the win to Bonds based solely upon the fact that his head grew six or seven sizes while on the juice and A-Rod has always seemed like kind of a Nancy boy (I think the guy uses Chapstick on a regular basis, check the footage it tells no lies).  Bonds wins because he is made completely of the cream, the clear, HGH, grizzle, and bad attitude.

Mark McGwire vs. Sammy Sosa

This was a tough match-up for me.  Steroids did a lot for both of these players.  If the rumors are true then Mark McGwire started on the stuff early on when he was in Oakland with his partner in crime and fellow Bash Brother, Jose Canseco.  From the get-go Big Mac’s power numbers were impressive (49 HR his rookie year), but his best season by far was in 1998 when he hit 70 homeruns and drew 162 walks all while using Andro to help him “bounce back” from hard workouts.  Unfortunately, roids couldn’t help McGwire grow a personality so all he has are his tarnished statistics to help him get into the Hall of Fame.  Good luck Mark, though I think you have about as much chance of getting into the Hall as that robot girl Vickie from the 80’s sitcom Small Wonder who’s personality you seem to share.  Once Sammy Sosa started the HGH his power numbers skyrocketed in the mid to late 90’s.  I have to admit it was fun watching Sosa and McGwire chase down the homerun record in 1998, but in retrospect it was more like watching WWF Wrestling than it was watching baseball.  Don’t get me wrong, I love old school wrestling, but those types of juicers belong in the ring not on the diamond.  Steroids helped Sosa go from a partially retarded outfielder who struck out a lot to a partially retarded outfielder who struck out a lot, and hit lots of homeruns.  In this smackdown I give the edge to Sosa.  I know that Mark towers over Sammy and has probably injected things into his ass cheek bigger than Sosa, but based on personality alone you’ve got to take Sosa over McGwire regardless of the fact that most of Sosa’s interviews were given in incomprehensible Spanish/English gibberish.  Give the guy a break, his tongue is too big for his mouth for crying out loud.  The winner is Sosa because Sosa spelled backwards is Asos.

Rocky vs Rocky IV

In the first Rocky movie Rocky was about as smart as the pieces of meat he used to punch to get into shape for his fight with Apollo Creed and he was kind of soft around the edges too.  Can you blame him?  Rock 1 couldn’t afford high quality HGH until he made a name for himself.  With a name like the Italian Stallion, and a lazy eye like the one he had he was luck he didn’t find himself in some gay porn instead of in the boxing ring.  But by Rocky IV it was obvious that steroids had made their way into Rocky’s morning raw egg chug.  Even in the ill-advised Rocky V and the recent Rocky Balboa there is no way you can deny that roids have transformed Rocky’s five foot nothing body into a rock-hard slab of sweat-polished granite.  It also seemed to make Rocky smarter.  I don’t know how, but in the first Rocky, dude could hardly string together an intelligible sentence and then by Rocky III he’s wearing nice suits and cracking intelligent jokes at Clubber Lang.  I didn’t think steroids could make you smarter, but perhaps for Rocky they did.  In this smackdown I have to give the nod to Rocky IV (not the movie, but the Rocky).  I know that Rocky won the Oscar, but I saw Rocky IV when I was just a lad who hated and feared the Russians and I was just glad to see Rocky IV beat the crap out of Drago and avenge the death of Apollo Creed.  Call me sentimental, but Rocky IV wins this one.

Arnold Swarchenegger vs. Lou Ferrigno

I know that this one has actually been played out in real life and that Arnold won every head to head match-up these two had in the world of bodybuilding.  I know that Swarchenegger’s movie career had been head and shoulders above that of Ferrigno.  No one will argue that Arnold has had more success in politics, married into a more powerful family, and just plain looks smarter than Ferrigno.  Both of their bodies at the height of their careers were spectacular, but it was proven time and time again by a group of qualified judges that Arnold was superior in symmetry, overall muscle mass, and total physique.  So how, one could ask, could I ever pick Ferrigno over Swarchenegger in a head-to-head steroid smackdown?  The answer is simple, I pick Ferrigno because of the kick-ass wig he wore in the Incredible Hulk TV series, end of story.

Hulk Hogan vs. Randy “The Macho Man” Savage

Both of these men were magnificent showmen.  Watch some of their interviews on YouTube if you don’t believe me.  It is some incredible stuff.  Steroids blessed each of these men with muscles on top of muscles, but in a venue where steroid uses is not only expected, but encouraged how do you judge who used the steroids best?  Judging from the Macho Man’s voice he was also smoking two or three packs of cigarettes a day so the roids helped him overcome his smoker’s lungs to compete in some unbelievable matches that must have pushed his lung capacity to its absolute limits.  Hogan was great because when I was growing up he had me as one of his little Hulkamaniacs.  Whatever Hulk Hogan was selling I was buying without thought and without question.  One thing I remember Hogan saying a lot was his three “demandments”:  training, saying prayers, and eating vitamins.  I thought he was talking about lifting weights, running on the treadmill, talking with God, and eating a multi-vitamin from GNC.  Little did I know that Hogan’s vitamin regiment involved something a little more complex than B-12, Iron, and fish oil.  Despite being a huge hypocrite I continue to love Hulk Hogan for all of the joy he brought me in my youth.  I saw he and the Macho Man live at the old Salt Palace in Salt Lake City, Utah when I was just a boy.  I had to sit up top where you could touch the asbestos covered ceiling and could hardly even see the ring, but it was a magical and memorable moment in my life and for that I call this one a tie.  Thank you Hulk and Macho Man, thank you for ruining your bodies with illegal substances so that a boy could watch two overgrown men jumping around a ring slapping each other.  Your steroid use not only helped to entertain, but it helped this kid learn how to dream and for that I salute you.      

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