Most of us grew up playing some form of organized sports.  And every team we ever played on was headed by the Youth Sports Coach.  Growing up I had a large range of coaches from the good (great little league coach who let us have fun while teaching us the basics) to the child abuser (Coach I, who had me and Jean-Paul over to play Tecmo Super Bowl, then asked us if we wanted to look at porno magazines.)

I grew up in a simpler era, the era before background checks.  The era when leagues inexplicably let convicts work off their community service hours by teaching impressionable young minds the fundamentals of the game. But no matter. Last year I took up coaching and found it to be very difficult because of how bad my team was, and how bad at teaching I was.  And then, something donned on me: I had the best examples on how to coach in the world: The Movies.  After I watched several movies, I was able to go out and teach my team how to lose by 25 instead of 50.  Thanks, Hollywood.   So without further ado, here is my list of the 7 greatest movie coaches ever.

GREATEST MOVIE COACHES:

7. Norman Dale: Hoosiers
I would have loved to play for Coach Dale.  He was inspirational, funny and actually taught the kids about life.  Did he have a checkered past, hitting a player and getting banned from the NCAA? Of course.  Haven't you done something you regretted in the past? I know you have.  Because you played Poo Dollar once. (not even going to explain)Coach Dale somehow lead his team of misfits to the State Championship. Even with little Jimmy Chitwood Hickory should have never won the title, but with Coach Dale, they were able to.
Favorite Quote:You know, in the ten years that I coached, I never met anybody who wanted to win as badly as I did. I'd do anything I had to do to increase my advantage. Anybody who tried to block the pursuit of that advantage, I'd just push 'em out of the way. Didn't matter who they were, or what they were doing. But that was then. You have special talent, a gift. Not the school's, not the townspeople, not the team's, not Myra Fleener's, not mine. It's yours, to do with what you choose. Because that's what I believe, I can tell you this: I don't care if you play on the team or not.

6. Irving Blitzer: Cool Runnings
Ask me if this movie is good: I don't know as I haven't seen it since I was 12, but I sure thought it was hilarious then.  This is another story of redemption, as old Irv cheated in the Olympics 16 years before.  Somehow he ends up coaching the Jamaican bobsled team and redeems himself and helps the Jamaicans finish the race which for some reason that I also don't remember was important.  Come to think of it, this movie probably sucks.  But hey, John Candy. 
Favorite Quote:Our Father, who art in Calgary, Bobsled be thy name. Thy kingdom come, gold medals won, on Earth as it is in Turn Seven. With Liberty and Justice for Jamaica and Haile Selassie. Amen

5. Art Shell: Oakland Raiders
There is just no way anyone can convince me that Art Shell coached the Raiders in real life not one, but two times.  That second stint could only have happened in a movie.  A movie I caught on the NFL Network.  It was entitled "2006 Oakland Raiders" and let me tell you, it was simply one of the funniest movies that I have ever seen.  Those silly Raiders were always fumbling, or throwing an interception and all Art did was give them a blank look.  You could tell he really inspired the men.  I mean, that team shouldn't have won a single game that season with all the fumbles and missed tackles, but you know what? Due to Art Shell's fantastic silent, steady leadership they actually ended up winning 2 games  Thanks for the good times, Art.
Favorite Quote: (blank stare)

4. Patches O'Houlihan: Dodgeball
Quick-name the 5 D's. Dodge, Duck, Dip, Dive, and Dodge.  That's coaching personified.  Patches drilled that into my brain almost as easily as he drilled those slobs from Average Joes in the nuggets with wrenches.  Patches whipped those guys (and one lesbian) into dodgeball shape through inspiring insults, and the truths of life (if you can dodge traffic, you can dodge a ball.)Sure, in the end Patches himself couldn't dodge a huge neon "Luck O' The Irish" sign that fell and crushed the life from his body, but through his expert coaching he instilled enough faith in Peter La Fleur that Peter led Average Joes to a victory over White Goodman and Globogym. Truly inspiring.
Favorite Quote: Peter La Fleur: [after Patches hits Justin in the face with a wrench] Yeah, uh, Patches... are you sure that this is completely necessary?
Patches O'Houlihan: Necessary? Is it necessary for me to drink my own urine?
Peter La Fleur: Probably not.
Patches O'Houlihan: No, but I do it anyway because it's sterile and I like the taste.
Peter La Fleur: ...Okay.

3. Coach Finstock: Teen Wolf
Coach Finstock lived his life by three simple rules: never get less than twelve hours sleep; never play cards with a guy who has the same first name as a city; and never get involved with a woman with a tattoo of a dagger on her body. Now you stick to that, and everything else is cream cheese. Never were truer words spoken.  Now, I don't know how good of a strategist Coach Finstock was, and he wasn't much for inspiring speeches, but there was never a better in-game coach in the history of Movies.  I mean, this guy understood the meaning of getting the ball to the hot man and getting everyone else out of the way.  Now, was the hot man a Werewolf? Yes.  That just shows Coach Finstock's out-of-the-box thinking.  Anyone who can lead a team with a 400 pound center to victory can coach me, my kid, and my kid's kid, even if the IRS is coming down on him like it's some sort of personal vendetta against Bobby Finstock.
Favorite Quote: Coach Finstock: Look Scotty, I know what you're going through. Couple years back, a kid came to me much the same way you're coming to me now, saying the same thing that you're saying. He wanted to drop off the team. His mother was a widow, all crippled up. She was scrubbing floors. She had this pin in her hip. So he wanted to drop basketball and get a job. Now these were poor people, these were hungry people with real problems. Understand what I'm saying?
Scott Howard: What happened to the kid?
Coach Finstock: I don't know. He quit. He was a third stringer, I didn't need him.

2. Jimmy Dugan: A League Of Their Own
You know #1 is special to keep Jimmy Dugan out of the top spot.  Jimmy led, if you can believe this, a group of womenonto a baseball field and they were actually good.  I know!  It's hard to believe, but Jimmy instilled in these women a will to win and a spirit of teamwork that few coaches before or since have been able to impart to their teams.  Jimmy was the king of tough love, with a wink.  Also, he took a legendary leak that none who saw this film will ever forget.  Jimmy may have had his faults, but in the end, he stood up for his team (particularly to umpires), and they respected him for it.
Favorite Quote: Jimmy Dugan: Evelyn, could you come here for a second? Which team do you play for?
Evelyn Gardner: Well, I'm a Peach.
Jimmy Dugan: Well I was just wonderin' why you would throw home when we got a two-run lead. You let the tying run get on second base and we lost the lead because of you. Start using your head. That's the lump that's three feet above your ass.
[Evelyn starts to cry]
Jimmy Dugan: Are you crying? Are you crying? ARE YOU CRYING? There's no crying! THERE'S NO CRYING IN BASEBALL!
Doris Murphy: Why don't you give her a break, Jimmy...
Jimmy Dugan: Oh, you zip it, Doris! Rogers Hornsby was my manager, and he called me a talking pile of pigshit. And that was when my parents drove all the way down from Michigan to see me play the game. And did I cry?
Evelyn Gardner: No, no, no.
Jimmy Dugan: Yeah! NO. And do you know why?
Evelyn Gardner: No...
Jimmy Dugan: Because there's no crying in baseball. THERE'S NO CRYING IN BASEBALL! No crying!

1. Mr. Miyagi: Karate Kid
I don't know if written words can express my love and devotion to this man, but I will try.  I mean, I'm not obsessed like Daniel San, I'm not going to bring chicks to meet him on my first date, but I have some serious man-love for Mr. Miyagi.  Mr. Miyagi taught us that life, like Karate, is all about balance.  Mr. Miyagi was as close to omnipotent and omniscient as it gets in the movies.  I mean, if Daniel San was sad, he knew it, if Daniel San was having problems with a chunky Elizabeth Shue, he knew it, and if Daniel San was getting his ass kicked by a bunch of crazy teens in Skeleton costumes, he would be there to do a little ass kicking of his own.  And in the end, isn't that what you want from a coach? Someone who will stand up for you and be there for you when it matters? I think so.  I think so.
Favorite Quote: Daniel: When do I learn how to punch?
Miyagi: Better learn balance. Balance is key. Balance good, karate good. Everything good. Balance bad, better pack up, go home. Understand?

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