There are very few things in life that I enjoy more than a good game of hoops. Recently, I’ve started to play more often and it’s been awesome. Most of the time. There’s always some clown playing who drives me nuts and makes me want to go all Gus Frerotte and drive my head into a wall. With that, I present some of the most irritating types of pick-up ballers. As always, feel free to add more to the list.


The Ringer
Why the title: Because he’s better than you are.
Chief behavior: Dropping 3s in your face and then jogging back down the court all non-schalant like it’s no big deal. The only thing he says when playing is “ball.” Just get him the rock and pray you don’t have to check him.
How to spot him: You can’t—you can’t see the Ringer. He lambastes you all game long and you swear you’ve seen him on ESPN playing college ball somewhere. He doesn’t usually say much either; he walks in listening to his ipod, doesn’t really warm up, knocks down a free throw to get on a team, makes everyone look stupid, and leaves without saying much. He’s too cool for that. You will also see him occasionally just shake his head in disgust at the lack of competition.
Identifying characteristics: The ringer always shows up with a nice ball and some expensive shoes. The ringer doesn’t usually wear Duke or North Carolina shorts or anything—solid colors work, because less is more. That’s just how he rolls.

The Coach
Why the title: The Coach is always telling everyone else what to do and how to properly play the game. He's usually a bit older than the rest of the guys.
Chief behavior: The coach complains about not calling out picks, not hitting the boards enough, and to have better ball movement. The coach often yells at others to “call out on the switch.”
How to spot him: This is the guy who loves to use basketball terminology, even it’s commonplace and everyone knows what he’s talking about. He calls for the pick and roll, the give and go, calls out the other team’s defense (he particularly likes to identify not just a zone, but a match-up zone), and he likes to raise one arm up when dribbling down the court as if he’s actually calling a specific play.
Identifying characteristics: The coach sports a ton of team or name-brand gear; the Coach often wears a reversible jersey that he got from some rec league.

King of Smack
Why the title: He never shuts up.
Chief behavior: The King of Smack just never stops talking trash. He is constantly telling his defender things like, “you can’t guard me” and “my range starts when I enter the gym.” He thinks these lines are hilarious and uses them frequently. Some subspecies of the King of Smack take this one step further and want to fight everyone, so you need to watch out for the ever popular combination of King of Smack and the Banger.
How to spot him: You’ll hear him. This is the guy who thinks he had a great game because he scored 15 in spite of the fact that the guy he was guarding went for 20.
Identifying characteristics: Like the Coach, the King likes to wear a reversible rec league jersey, usually combined with some NBA or college team shorts—usually Michigan, North Carolina, the Lakers, or whatever the local team is. He also wears regular clothes to the gym and changes on the sidelines before the game starts and he generally has a pair of Jordan’s that is used only for basketball.

The Banger
Why the title: Because he can kick the shiznit out of you. This cannot be generalized however, because if that were always true I’d be playing with 9 Bangers every game.
Chief behavior: The Banger is huge. If you saw Boyd without seeing him actually play, you might assume that he’s a Banger. He’s there to set picks, rebound, foul the other team’s best player, and back up the King of Smack if it becomes necessary.
How to spot him: He’s thick as cornbread and every time you penetrate into the paint you feel it. Depending on the version of the Banger, he may help you up off the floor. Most versions just look down at you like you’re pathetic.
Identifying characteristics: The Banger often has tattoos, wears a gold’s gym or 24 hour fitness shirt, and often wears at least one knee brace. (Ed - feel free to insert a “that’s what she said” anywhere you deem it necessary)

The Athlete
Why the title: The Athlete is superior genetically but doesn’t have the skills to be good at basketball. In fact, he usually sucks. The Athlete plays football, showing up to play hoops only as a hobby.
Chief behavior: Dunking. The Athlete lives for the breakaway windmill dunk. It appears that he is also required to grab the rim every time he goes up for a rebound that he can’t snare. He is also constantly calling for the alley-oop in hopes of tea bagging someone.
How to spot him: He doesn’t waste time on shooting around before the game—he only practices his dunks. Shooting is for wusses. 
Identifying characteristics: He usually wears a sleeveless shirt and has some pretty impressive pipes. I’m not sure why this is, but no-show socks are also typical.

And-One
Why the title: He yearns to be like Hot Sauce, Skip-to-my-Lou, or The Professor.
Chief Behavior: Anything flashy. A chest pass won’t do when a behind the back bounce pass can also get the job done.
How to spot him: During warmups he dribbles the ball off of his knee and throws behind the back passes off of the wall; he doesn’t screw around with shooting. His chief in-game function is to dribble, pass, and yell “oooohhhh” every time he thinks he's broken someone’s ankles.
Identifying characteristics: And-One wears tons of gear, similar to (per his sister) Jim. This guy has the wrist bands on his biceps and elbows, the baller bands on his wrists, a headband, a team shirt or jersey, and the newest version of The Answer on his feet.

Sweathog
Why the title: He perspires like Niagra Falls.
Chief behavior: This guy plays his @ss off and sweats like mad. He usually smells terrible too.
How to spot him: His shirt is soaked after two games and you hate having to check him on D. Especially in the post.
Identifying characteristics: The sweathog wears cotton tees and sweats right through them. He’s typically pretty fat too.

The Hybrid (Frankly, I don't know what to call this guy)
Why the title: He never stops running (Prefontaine, Forest Gump) and he cries about everything. Seriously—everything.
Chief behavior: The Neverending Story is like Reggie Miller or Rip Hamilton: he just runs and runs until he gets open. People hate guarding this guy even if he sucks. He calls every foul and will argue about it likes it’s a game 7. He’s sort of a Detroit Pistons-hybrid of Rip Hamilton and Rasheed Wallace, but without the awesome face protector or the mysterious white dot on the top of his cranium.
How to spot him: The NES is constantly calling out rules. He is always calling someone for traveling, a moving screen, or over the back. He is particularly irritating when he takes a charge. It’s pickup ball, retard. No one takes a charge in pick-up ball.
Identifying characteristics: Running shoes and short shorts (think Umbros if you remember those). He occasionally has shaved legs.

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