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I just saw MC Hammer on the TV pimping some new show and he claimed that many fashion designers are bringing back his infamous fashion faux pas, Hammer Pants. It was then that I said to myself, "They will literally bring back anything, won't they?" In most situations, the regurgitation of old styles and fashions is a bad, bad idea. (see skinny jeans on men.) Then I got to thinking that there had to be at least a few trends that will never come back into style. And then it hit me like a bolt of lightning: Flat-Tops. Flat-Tops, like the name Arthur, will simply never be in style again.
I'll admit, I sported a Flat-Top for much of my upbringing. See, my Grandpa and Dad had both donned the haircut, so I did it too. I believe the last Flat-Top I got was in 10th grade. (1995 or so.) I immediately realized, or in other words the other kids at school let me know by demoralizing me with name calling, that I had made a major mistake. But deep in my heart, I'll always have a soft spot for the old Flat-Top, and insane respect for those few who dare to continue the Flat-Top legacy and sport one today.
Without further ado, I take you along a journey in time, celebrating the greatest flat tops in the history of sports. I hope you'll enjoy.
NBA
The NBA is a league rich in Flat-Top lore, from the 60's clear up until the earlier part of this decade. Here are the best:
Detlef Schrempf
Schrempf is an awesome surname, don't you think? Detlef didn't come into the league with a Flat-Top, but he sure sported one shamelessly for the majority of his stellar career as an excellent roll-player.
Scottie Pippen
I think Pippen is generally overrated as a player , but one thing that is certainly not overrated is his awesome hair. You could stack books on that dome. Pippens hair evolved somewhat over the years, but he usually just rocked some version of the old Flatter.
Chris Mullin
If NASA were to send a picture of what the prototypical Flat-Top should look like into space, which I know they probably already have, they would absolutely have to pick a picture of Chris Mullin. That thing is absolutely stupendous. I remember that sometimes, the middle of Mullin's hair would look like it was shaved down to the skull, just to make the whole thing more square. I then learned this, from Wikipedia:
"Because the shape of a flattop is, by definition, not compatible with the round shape of a human head, there is often a spot on the very center of the top that is buzzed shorter to achieve a flat surface, almost to the point of being shaved. This area is called the "landing strip," because this area of the head with shorter hair resembles a grassless aviation landing area"
Chris Mullin had the best landing strip of all time.
NFL
The NFL has had many awesome players with flat tops, but these pretty much take the cake in my book:
Howie Long
This is Howie Do It. (I couldn't resist!)This is really a life time achievement award for Howie. Sure, his cut is beautiful, symmetrical, and immovable like all good Flat-Tops should be, but the fact that Howie STILL proudly flaunts his square plummage on National TV and Chevy Commercials is something we can all respect. Howie, like several NFL players, also frequently displayed a fine Flat-Top Mullet, a style that I personally adore. I salute you, Howie!
Johnny Unitas
He didn't invent the Flat-Top, but I'll be DOUBLE DAMNED if he didn't make it cool to wear one. So listen hear all you hipsters, I don't care if Joe Namath with his flowing hair beat the Colts in the Super Bowl, this is the hairstyle of arguably the best Quarterback in NFL History and you can like it or you can stick it in your damned ear after you pull your greasy hair away from it. ( I said it so you didn't have to, Mr. Unitas.)
Brian Bosworth
I'n just gonna let the picture speak for itself on this one. 
Pop Culture:
Just because I labeled this the Greatest Flat-Tops in Sports History does not mean I can't throw a shout out to some of the great Flat-Tops in the history of the world does it?
Kid from Kid N' Play and Billy Ray Cyrus
 
Kid's is amazing, frankly. That is the tallest Flat-Top probably in the history of mankind. And let's not forget:
Guile-Mess with his flat top? Sonic Boom, bitches!
Oh, and of course:
The Fresh Prince and Carlton
 
Oh, and if you hung in there, last but not least, how could you forget the greatest Flat-Top in Boxing history?
IVAN DRAGO!
I must break you!
I hope you enjoyed a little trip down Flat-Top lane, and although I know it is in vain, cuz Lord knows I'm not going out to get one, I hope you can do your part to bring the Flat-Top back.
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