Every NBA team is made up of 12 active players. Each team has a star or top player, and everyone has that bum on the end of the bench who gets in every once in awhile, gets paid more than it takes me 40 years to earn, but never does anything. Every team also has a coach who thinks he knows it all, barking at his players, but not having to back up anything on the court.
So I got to thinking, what if there were a 3-on-3 tournament where an NBA team's best player was teamed with the coach and an end of the bench guy? What team would win? Why did I think that? Just because I wanted to and I'm on opiates for back pain. So stick it, sucka.
I chose the team's best players based on my opinion. The coach was obvious. The 12th man is a guy who has played in at least one game this year, but is playing the fewest minutes for his team. All teams were placed into a hat and randomly drawn out and seeded. I got a 30 team bracket off of the internet. It should be noted that I'm not basing the coach on who he was at his athletic peak, but on how he would play if the tournament were held today. 2 teams get first round byes. This tournament will last a few days, so please, vote and leave comments so this can be a fun exercise. This might actually take as long as the real NBA playoffs to finish.
Minnesota Timberwolves vs. Denver Nuggets:
Wolves: Kurt Rambis (coach) Al Jefferson Jason Hart
Nuggets: George Karl (coach) Carmelo Anthony Johan Petro
Matchup Notes: The Wolves are stacked with a good post presence, the only ball handler (Hart) in this match up, and a hustling maniac in Kurt Rambis, who I assure you could still foul with the best of them. The Nuggets have a big weakness with George Karl, who looks like the only thing he's dunked lately is a donut. But don't count out the Nuggets,who have the best player and a shot blocking big man in Petro.
Oklahoma City Thunder vs. Washington Wizards:
Thunder: Scotty Brooks (coach) Kevin Durant Ryan Bowen
Wizards: Flip Saunders (coach) Gilbert Arenas Paul Davis
Matchup Notes: Brooks was a journeyman NBA point guard who is still in decent shape. Saunders was a solid college player who has also stayed thin. Brown and Davis are about a wash, so the real match up here is between Durant and Arenas. Oh, as a side note, I saw Davis on some reality dating show called the Millionaire Matchmaker. He told the matchmaking broad his next contract would be for 30 million. This was while he was a backup for the Clippers. I belive the next contract (his current one) was a minimum one. Man, agents can get in a guy's head, can't they?
Detroit Pistons vs. Orlando Magic:
Pistons: John Kuester (coach) Ben Gordon Chucky Atkins
Magic: Stan Van Gundy (coach) Dwight Howard Anthony Johnson
Matchup Notes: Kuester was a pro player, but is very old looking. However, he has a huge advantage over Stan Van Gundy, unless we are having a "who looks most like a porn star" competition, which we are not. Otherwise, kind of an interesting match-up.
San Antonio Spurs vs. Miami Heat:
Spurs: Greg Popovich (coach) Tim Duncan Malik Hairston
Heat: Erik Spoelstra (coach) Dwayne Wade Jamaal Magloire
Matchup Notes: Neither coach was an amazing player, but Spoelstra looks to have an advantage in sheer age. Oh, and wasn't Jamaal Magloire an All-Star once? Kind of cheapens it, doesn't it?
Golden State Warriors vs. New Orleans Hornets:
Warriors: Don Nelson (coach) Monta Ellis Acie Law
Hornets: Jeff Bower (coach) Chris Paul Sean Marks
Matchup Notes: Don Nelson has his number retired by the Celtics, and Jeff Bower looks like a plumber who is 5 minutes from a heart attack. Of course, at this point, Nelson isn't looking too trim himself. Watch out for heart attacks, people, and watch out for ACIE LAW!
Houston Rockets vs. Indiana Pacers:
Rockets: Rick Adelman (coach) Trevor Ariza Brian Cook
Pacers: Jim O'brien (coach) Danny Granger Josh McRoberts
Matchup Notes:Adelman was a pro, O'brien, nothing. Both are old and look to be poor additions to their teams. Josh McRoberts needs a haircut. Brian Cook is bad.
Milwaukee Bucks vs. Atlanta Haws:
Bucks: Scott Skiles (coach) Brandon Jennings Fransisco Elson
Hawks: Mike Woodson Joe Johnson Jason Collins
Matchup Notes: You don't think that Scott Skiles could step on the court and play tenacious d for 10 minutes a night in the NBA to this very day on piss-and-vinegar alone? I do. Add to that the fact that Mike Woodson looks like a black Mr. Belvedere and you have a huge mismatch there. Oh, and don't forget that I think that a team of you, me, and Corky from Life Goes On could challenge Jason, Jarron, and Doug Collins and win.
Cleaveland Cavaliers vs. Charlotte Bobcats:
Cavaliers: Mike Brown (coach) LeBron James Daniel Green
Charlotte Bobcats: Larry Brown (coach) Gerald Wallace DeSagana Diop
Matchup Notes:Ah, a match up of 2 Browns. Neither looks good, but you have to give Mike the nod due to the many hip replacements of Larry. Diop is a fun word to say. Like a "diop" of rain.
Los Angeles Clippers vs. New Jersey Nets:
Clippers: Mike Dunleavey, Sr. (coach) Chris Kaman Brian Skinner
Nets: Lawrence Frank (coach) Brook Lopez Jarvis Hayes
Matchup Notes: Dunleavy was a solid NBA player, and Lawrence Frank is about 5 foot 2. Add to that the fact that Lawrence, Brook, and Jarvis are about the 3 least intimidating names and you have a good matchup here. Oh, and let's not count out the fact that Kaman looks like he still hasn't heard of the invention of fire or the wheel.
Dallas Mavericks vs. Philadelphia 76ers:
Mavericks: Rick Carlisle (coach) Dirk Nowitzki Matt Carrol
76ers: Eddie Jordan (coach) Andre Iguodala Primoz Brezec
Matchup Notes:Eddie Jordan was a much better pro than Carlisle, and I'll bet he would be an asset to his team. I'm not pointing fingers, but I think he might still even be better than someone whose name rhymes with Drimoz Grezec.
Toronto Raptors vs. Utah Jazz:
Raptors: Jay Triano (coach) Chris Bosh Marcus Banks
Jazz: Jerry Sloan (coach) Deron Williams Kosta Koufos
Matchup Notes:Jay Triano is one of the best Canadian basketball players ever, which is kind of like being one of the best Backstreet Boys. I mean, you probably got laid a lot, but still, man. Jerry Sloan, on the other hand, is a Bulls legend and would shut down most of the coaches in the league through sheer force of will, scare tactics, and prolific swearing. Koufos sounds like a type of Greek bean dip.
Chicago Bulls vs. Boston Celtics:
Bulls: Vinny Del Negro (coach) Joakim Noah Lindsey Hunter
Celtics Doc Rivers (coach) Paul Pierce J.R. Giddens
Matchup Notes:A rematch of last year's epic playoff series, this one lacks some of the luster of that match up, despite having 2 of the better playing coaches in the NBA. You can that lack of luster the "J.R. Giddens Factor." When Brian Scalabrine is above you on the depth chart, you have issues. Oh, and don't try to tell me Derrick Rose is the best Bulls player. I live in the real world where what you do on the court is more important than hype, and Rose is not playing well this year, at all.
Phoenix Suns vs. New York Knicks:
Suns: Alvin Gentry Steve Nash Taylor Griffin
Knicks: Mike D'Antoni David Lee Marcus Landry
Matchup Notes: This is D'Antoni versus his former team, literally. I want you to honestly imagine D'Antoni trying to guard Steve Nash on a pick and roll. Have you seen how pissed this guy gets? I'll bet he'd drop so many "G-D's" on Lee and Landry for not defending the pick and roll correctly that they wouldn't even know what hit them.
Los Angeles Lakers vs. Memphis Grizzlies:
Lakers: Phil Jackson (coach) Kobe Bryant Adam Morrison
Matchup Notes: Now we'll see how great Kobe Bryant is, trying to drag around the nearly crippled Phil Jackson and the nearly talentless Adam Morrison. Luckily, I've barely heard of 1 of the 3 Grizzlies players.
First Round BYES:
Portland Trailblazers:
Nate McMillan (coach) Brandon Roy Dante Cunningham
This is awesome... I can't wait to see all the results!
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... written by mookie @ ASternWarning.com,
November 24, 2009
Love this... great concept!
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... written by Zach Sanders,
November 24, 2009
Very nice. Waiting for round two to begin.
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... written by JMoney,
November 24, 2009
Did you just get tired of writing and decide not to write a blurb for the last entry? No wonder Trey Gilder gets paid more than you!
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... written by Boyd33,
November 24, 2009
no. the last 2 teams were the teams with byes. I will blurb about them in the future.
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... written by jim33,
November 24, 2009
I don't think people are taking into account that Phil Jackson's hips are so bad that he would literally have to stand in one place on both defense and offense. I know Kobe is great, but even he can't play two on three.
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The Bloguin Network allows advertisers to promote their products and services to our ever-growing number of visitors. We offer both site-specific ad placements as well as the ability to run a network-wide campaign. If you're interested in working with Bloguin to meet your advertising needs, please contact us.
The Bloguin Network is always looking to expand. Here are some of our high-priority areas that we're specifically looking to grow. If you're a blogger and interested in joining our network, please fill out our application form.
The Bloguin Login gives you full access to everything our network has to offer. Your name and password will work for each and every one of our sites. Signing up is simple, and will allow you to post in all our forums, create member blogs, and access other cool features! What are you waiting for? Create an Account! 